JAN 8TH - MY PAPA

A quick note of rubbish writing, but I wanted to let all of my family know how important each one of you are to me (someone, please read to Peter Pan). I have thought about this day for practically my whole life and have always dreaded the thought of Papa dying - yet, I don't right now. I want him to be with me always, but I don't want him to be with me in the state that he is in. I want my Papa and my Papa is not the man that is laying next to me. He is simply a go between from the old and the new. Strange to think that dying is such a big deal. I mean, it is - but it's not at the same time. It's not dramatic, it's not sudden - really, it's calming, soothing, peaceful.
Tears come easy like I always knew they would. They are tears for me. I selflishly want to walk him through to heaven so that he has me. But, I know that I am not needed. Finally, I am not needed by him. He has other family members to do that, who have waited for this day for a long time. His body is shutting down at a rapid pace, but not too rapid for me to take in because I'm not alone. I have Mom, Dad, Gram's, Mom, Hospice friends, friends, and above all, my husband. I can't imagine doing this without my rock, my constant. I feel so sorry that he has to go through this.... again. It is enough to go through this once in a lifetime, let alone twice. I am sorry that he didn't have the support/love/help/humor as abundantly as I did. My heart breaks for him every time he recognizes signs in Papa that happened to his Dad. Somehow, miraculously, he doesn't waiver. He remains true and faithful to me and our family.
In your prayers, please pray for comfort for all of us, particularly for Gram's. She received a blessing that promised her that she would have enough strength in her mind and especially in her body to get through this. Let's pray for her to receive her childish innocence back to ease the hurt in the days to come.
Again, thank you to all of you for your love. I feel like just saying over and over again to everyone, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I feel like shouting on the rooftops that I love God and I love this hard amazing, awful beautiful life. One of my very dear friends was going through a death of her beloved poodle. As she was struggling with death, she said that she wanted to get a new dog for her other alive poodle. I thought it was odd and said so. She said, "No, it's not odd. I am focusing on life, not on death. Death will not lead me to get up the next morning, it will not lead me to help others. Only life will." I am sad that a part of me is dying, but I am hopeful for what lies ahead. I am grateful that I will still have Grammies to help.

As I try to fall asleep next to Papa in a recliner, I am happy. I am happy that I have had a Papa in a recliner to fall asleep next to.


I love you,

DiDi